My mum joined us again on christmas eve.....not sure who she brought with her this time ,,,,but they were very welcome
Saturday, 26 December 2009
Tuesday, 22 December 2009
They never leave us
Ive got quite a skeptical mind. I question things a lot. I believe in God and all that stuff but I guess Ive always had conflicting believes about what happens people when they die. I am not able to believe in something just because I'm meant to or because its part of my religion. I always look deeper...I'm not sure I enjoy this part of me - but I'm learning slowly to accept it.
There has to be more purpose then just living here on earth for x years then that's it. I believe our lives on earth is a journey to help us grow spiritually....so we go back to God stronger. My faith has deepened with age but I think I struggled with dying from a young age.
My dad died when I was 8. I remember listening to adults talking and saying he was happy now. I was quite mad at this statement because how could he be happy without my mum n us? I used to ask my mum what if someone you love goes to hell....how can you be happy in heaven without them. She tried to give me answers but I guess to this day I still don't really know the answer to that.
When my mum died I really hit an emotional low. She was the centre of my world and I really didn't know how Id cope without her. We had always had a very close relationship and I loved her with all my heart. When I used to question what happened after you died ....she used to joke that she would come back if she could n tell me.
It took a few years to be honest but suddenly orbs began appearing in photographs. They look like hosts. The first time this happened I was in Lourdes with my uncle and sister. He was saying mass at the grotto n I became very emotional...think mum was dead about 2 years at the time. I cant remember exactly what the homely was about but had something to do with death n going to heaven. I remember saying to my mum in my head....I'm waiting for your sign. I cried during that mass...n I didn't even know why. After it thou I felt peaceful.
We came home and life went back to normal. When we got the photographs developed there was one of my uncle that day saying the mass...and this beautiful orb beside him. Id never really heard of orbs up to that but did a little research on them. They are a sign of a dead loved one being near. Again I wasn't totally convinced...it felt like it could be my mum because of me talking to her that day and being so emotional ,,,,but it could been a trick of the camera. I mostly believed thou it was my mum sending me my long awaited sign she was happy.
Loads of times from that orbs have appeared in family photographs. About 5 years ago my brother was showing me photos of him n his wife on their anniversary and there was the orb right between their heads. This was on a different camera and he was showing me them on his pc. Ive had numerous cameras ,,,cos I'm a scatter brain n keep losing things. Ive lost count of the number of times that orbs have appeared ...and always during family celebrations or when I was thinking about and missing my mum. On El lies adoption day she must have taken all the relatives with her because there was a family photo taken with the social worker and guardian and was bout 5 or 6 orbs in it.
Anyway to cut a long story short. We had snow on Sunday and I was taking pictures of the girls. We met Cathy and decided we would take a walk up to where my mum is buried. There would be tons of fresh snow up there for the girls and we could say hello to Rose at the same time. Standing at her grave I said to Cathy you know I really miss her so much. She would have really loved the girls. Moe was a year when my mum died but she never got to meet Els.
When we came home I was transferring the photos onto the pc to send to my uncle in London. The first photo I took had an huge orb....bigger then I ever had seen before covering part of Ellie ,,,and another smaller one over by the swings. I believe that my mum felt me missing her on Sunday and came to let me know she was still around and was enjoying the girls.
At one time in my life I would have been freaked out by this but I get a great amount of comfort from it. Ive still got my skeptical mind but I just cant explain this away.
I do believe that our loved ones don't leave us....We may not see them anymore or be able to touch them or talk to them but they are here.
Mum I love you so much. Ive always known you were a great mother and friend but really from I started my journey as a mother I truly have learned to appreciate all you did and the scarifces you made. You job was hard but you gave to us willing all that you had ,,,but most of all your time and love. You will always live on in my heart and I know we will meet again some day....and what a happy day that will be.
Love ya ma xx
There has to be more purpose then just living here on earth for x years then that's it. I believe our lives on earth is a journey to help us grow spiritually....so we go back to God stronger. My faith has deepened with age but I think I struggled with dying from a young age.
My dad died when I was 8. I remember listening to adults talking and saying he was happy now. I was quite mad at this statement because how could he be happy without my mum n us? I used to ask my mum what if someone you love goes to hell....how can you be happy in heaven without them. She tried to give me answers but I guess to this day I still don't really know the answer to that.
When my mum died I really hit an emotional low. She was the centre of my world and I really didn't know how Id cope without her. We had always had a very close relationship and I loved her with all my heart. When I used to question what happened after you died ....she used to joke that she would come back if she could n tell me.
It took a few years to be honest but suddenly orbs began appearing in photographs. They look like hosts. The first time this happened I was in Lourdes with my uncle and sister. He was saying mass at the grotto n I became very emotional...think mum was dead about 2 years at the time. I cant remember exactly what the homely was about but had something to do with death n going to heaven. I remember saying to my mum in my head....I'm waiting for your sign. I cried during that mass...n I didn't even know why. After it thou I felt peaceful.
We came home and life went back to normal. When we got the photographs developed there was one of my uncle that day saying the mass...and this beautiful orb beside him. Id never really heard of orbs up to that but did a little research on them. They are a sign of a dead loved one being near. Again I wasn't totally convinced...it felt like it could be my mum because of me talking to her that day and being so emotional ,,,,but it could been a trick of the camera. I mostly believed thou it was my mum sending me my long awaited sign she was happy.
Loads of times from that orbs have appeared in family photographs. About 5 years ago my brother was showing me photos of him n his wife on their anniversary and there was the orb right between their heads. This was on a different camera and he was showing me them on his pc. Ive had numerous cameras ,,,cos I'm a scatter brain n keep losing things. Ive lost count of the number of times that orbs have appeared ...and always during family celebrations or when I was thinking about and missing my mum. On El lies adoption day she must have taken all the relatives with her because there was a family photo taken with the social worker and guardian and was bout 5 or 6 orbs in it.
Anyway to cut a long story short. We had snow on Sunday and I was taking pictures of the girls. We met Cathy and decided we would take a walk up to where my mum is buried. There would be tons of fresh snow up there for the girls and we could say hello to Rose at the same time. Standing at her grave I said to Cathy you know I really miss her so much. She would have really loved the girls. Moe was a year when my mum died but she never got to meet Els.
When we came home I was transferring the photos onto the pc to send to my uncle in London. The first photo I took had an huge orb....bigger then I ever had seen before covering part of Ellie ,,,and another smaller one over by the swings. I believe that my mum felt me missing her on Sunday and came to let me know she was still around and was enjoying the girls.
At one time in my life I would have been freaked out by this but I get a great amount of comfort from it. Ive still got my skeptical mind but I just cant explain this away.
I do believe that our loved ones don't leave us....We may not see them anymore or be able to touch them or talk to them but they are here.
Mum I love you so much. Ive always known you were a great mother and friend but really from I started my journey as a mother I truly have learned to appreciate all you did and the scarifces you made. You job was hard but you gave to us willing all that you had ,,,but most of all your time and love. You will always live on in my heart and I know we will meet again some day....and what a happy day that will be.
Love ya ma xx
Sunday, 13 December 2009
The Climb
There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s The Climb
This is the chorus of a Hannah Montanna song ,,,which I love btw. To me it reminds me of life. I feel we are all climbing our own mountain. Our time on earth is a time for us to grow.
Looking back on my life so far Im not sure how far up my mountain I am. I think Ive come to a flat part of it and need to sit there and rest and see what God has instore for me next. Im guilty of always wanting to climb but Im beginning to learn that its ok to sit down n take a rest. Not only is it ok but its important too because when you keep climbing you get tired n start stumbling.
I equate reaching the top with our journey being done n we hopefully return to God much wiser and stronger then when we left. We have completed our lives purpose. We get knocks along the way but we also get helped along the mountain when needed.
With age I guess Im beginnig to realise that God plays a bigger part in our lives then we know. He has a plan for each n everyone one of us which sometimes is a bit like moris code to work out.
Looking back over my life things have happened that I just cant put down to coinendance. I talked about the girls last week and I have no doubt in my mind that God sent them to me. What if Id went on my day to Portrush n hadnt rethought saying no to that social worker the morning she rang bout Moe??? I believe the angels where the ones whispering in my ear the whole way down there on the train. What if Id stuck to my decision that I wasnt foatering again?? Els would been fostered by someone else. God and the angels knew better then me and helped me overcome my human fears and go ahead with their plan.
Theres been times in my life that I wanted to fight with God that I couldnt understand why life was so hard when I was trying my best. My dad died when I was 8 years old. I remember the fear most of all. Its scary to have your perfect world knocked at such an early age. I think now it was my preparation to parent Moe. I know how she felt after her parents death...I knew how to comfort her n lead her along my mountain with me. My mum was such a rock to us all. She reared us four kids on her own with very little money or support i guess but she did such a good job. I respect her with all my being and she has been my role model. So yes God had an important job for me to do...but he didnt set me to it with no training.
I believe very much in angels. I think they are Gods messengers and are just waiting for us to ask for their help. We have been given free will and the angels wont interfere but if we need help we just got to ask. The last year or so Ive been reading about them n its very interesting. I guess im learning everyday n theres times i cant hear them. Its why Im sitting calmly on my mountain n trying to listen.
Im at a crossroads. I dont know what to do next so Im doing nothing. Im keeping all channels open n just resting and enjoying the girls. Ive a feeling Im going to be starting to climb again soon but Im not in a rush.
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s The Climb
This is the chorus of a Hannah Montanna song ,,,which I love btw. To me it reminds me of life. I feel we are all climbing our own mountain. Our time on earth is a time for us to grow.
Looking back on my life so far Im not sure how far up my mountain I am. I think Ive come to a flat part of it and need to sit there and rest and see what God has instore for me next. Im guilty of always wanting to climb but Im beginning to learn that its ok to sit down n take a rest. Not only is it ok but its important too because when you keep climbing you get tired n start stumbling.
I equate reaching the top with our journey being done n we hopefully return to God much wiser and stronger then when we left. We have completed our lives purpose. We get knocks along the way but we also get helped along the mountain when needed.
With age I guess Im beginnig to realise that God plays a bigger part in our lives then we know. He has a plan for each n everyone one of us which sometimes is a bit like moris code to work out.
Looking back over my life things have happened that I just cant put down to coinendance. I talked about the girls last week and I have no doubt in my mind that God sent them to me. What if Id went on my day to Portrush n hadnt rethought saying no to that social worker the morning she rang bout Moe??? I believe the angels where the ones whispering in my ear the whole way down there on the train. What if Id stuck to my decision that I wasnt foatering again?? Els would been fostered by someone else. God and the angels knew better then me and helped me overcome my human fears and go ahead with their plan.
Theres been times in my life that I wanted to fight with God that I couldnt understand why life was so hard when I was trying my best. My dad died when I was 8 years old. I remember the fear most of all. Its scary to have your perfect world knocked at such an early age. I think now it was my preparation to parent Moe. I know how she felt after her parents death...I knew how to comfort her n lead her along my mountain with me. My mum was such a rock to us all. She reared us four kids on her own with very little money or support i guess but she did such a good job. I respect her with all my being and she has been my role model. So yes God had an important job for me to do...but he didnt set me to it with no training.
I believe very much in angels. I think they are Gods messengers and are just waiting for us to ask for their help. We have been given free will and the angels wont interfere but if we need help we just got to ask. The last year or so Ive been reading about them n its very interesting. I guess im learning everyday n theres times i cant hear them. Its why Im sitting calmly on my mountain n trying to listen.
Im at a crossroads. I dont know what to do next so Im doing nothing. Im keeping all channels open n just resting and enjoying the girls. Ive a feeling Im going to be starting to climb again soon but Im not in a rush.
Thursday, 10 December 2009
Moe Carol Delaney
I first met Moe when she was 11 weeks old. I was working as a registered childminder and received a call from social services asking me to do some childminding a few afternoons a week. I was rushing out the door and said no. I was on the train heading to Portrush for the day and I just couldn't get that call out of my mind. When I got there I found a phone box and rang social services....I don't even know now how I got the number plus we didn't have mobile phones then...which is kinda funny.....anyway I told them that I had reconsidered and they said they would bring the mum and baby the next morning to meet me.
Moe came the next morning and I think it was arranged Id have her 3 afternoons a week to give her mother a break. This was August and things went pretty smoothly for the next month. I got to know her mum and her mum built up trust in me. Moe was adorable...I haven't old photographs on this computer but I will try to get some on. She was a wee fat lump with no hair and the cutest dimples you ever saw in your life. Her mother wasn't a bad soul ....shed mental health problems ....caused by an abusive upbringing...but thats a whole story in itself.
In September of that year her mother was sent with Moe to the same residential place that Ellie attended with her parents. She tried hard but had a mental breakdown and had to receive hospital treatment. She rang me asking me if I would look after Moe for her...I really wanted to but social services wouldn't let me because I wasn't an approved foster carer. I visited her mum in the hospital a few times and found out that Moe was with other fostercarers. In December of that year I put myself forward as Moe's foster carer and she came to me every weekend from Friday to Monday. Anytime her mother was struggling or needed hospitalised then Moe came to me also ,,,sometimes for 6 weeks at a time until her mum was well enough to care for her.
This arrangement worked well and I loved having Moe with me but its was hard emotionally to let her go home. Her mother loved her and did her best for her but because of her own upbringing she struggled. When Moe wasn't with me I constantly worried about her. My mother died in June 2000 when Moe was just over a year old. The day my mother was buried I got a phone call asking me to care for Moe as her mum was back in hospital because she couldn't cope with my mothers death. Up to this stage in her mothers life ...she never had anyone who was good to her. My mum had clicked with her and took her under her wing. We used to joke that we fostered the both of them. Anyway I'm going off on a tangent now.....I said I would care for Moe and she was brought over. This is another example of God knowing we needed each other. I can honestly say I wouldn't have got over my mothers death if not for Moe. My world was upside down,,,because my mum was the centre of my world,,,but Moe needed me and I had to keep going.
Things trudged along for the next four years. Moe came and went. I enjoyed her when I had her and worried myself sick when I hadn't. Her mum and I built up a close relationship and I have to say she never once was jealous of her child loving me.
In August 2005 her mum took a stroke and died two weeks later. Moe was with me while her mum was in hospital. The family refused to let Moe go to see her mother but I got a phone call from social services on the Friday informing me that her mum wasn't going to make it ....so I took it on myself to bring Moe to visit. I felt she needed to see her mum plus her mum needed to see Moe. It was one of the worst experiences of my life and would have taken a tear out of a stone. Moe had a musical box that played beauty and the beast with her ,,,,I swear every time I hear that music I'm in floods of tears. Her mum was unconscious but we talked to her and I just know she heard us. We hadn't left the hospital 10minutes when she died. Bless her she was hanging on to see her baby one last time.
Her mums family came that night and removed Moe from my care. I was only her fostercarer and she was in voluntary fostercare so I had to let her go. Poor baby needed me and there wasn't a thing I could do about it. I went to the funeral and it was so sad. The next day I got a phone call from a solicitor. She asked me to go and see her so I went. Up to this Id never been in a solicitors office in my life. It turned out that Moe's mum had named me guardian in her will. She had said once that if anything ever happened her she wanted me to have Moe cos she didn't trust her family with her. This will caused the fireworks to fly. Was a six month court case but eventually Moe was placed with me. That was the worst six months of my life...the child was being torn apart and again nothing I could do. I only got contact with her one day a week but god is good and he led her back to me.
Will be five years in January from Moe was placed with me on a fulltime basis. She has grown into the most loving caring and considerate child possible. She still has her insecurities but she has an inner strength that many an adult doesn't. I see her mum in her lots and she has her quick wit. The future could be rocky for Moe as she gets older and wants to know her story. We take things day by day and I want to cram as much fun n laughter into her childhood as I can ,,,to make up for all the time she lost.
She loves Ellie so much and thou their blood is different they are so close. They will have each other in the future to talk to about their experiences. Moe is my inspiration...I admire her greatly not only for what shes come through but for how nice a child she is. She is such a giver and always puts others in front of herself. Shes a nutcase sometimes but so so lovable. Its the wee things she does ,,,We got a pup a few months back...she really treats him like her baby brother. If she goes to get a packet of crisps or a biscuit...she brings 3 one for Ellie one for Timmy and one for herself. Timmy thinks hes died and went to heaven of course.
I thank god everyday for you Moe. I thank him and your mother for choosing me to bring you up and bestowing on me the great privilege of being your mother. Your growing up so fast that it takes my breath away but you will always be my Moey Joey. I hope life is always good to you and I know you will change and make a difference to so many peoples lives here. Your mum is watching over you ,,,and me and Els and I know shes proud as heck of you. You are the best daughter and sister in the world and I love you to bits.
Moe came the next morning and I think it was arranged Id have her 3 afternoons a week to give her mother a break. This was August and things went pretty smoothly for the next month. I got to know her mum and her mum built up trust in me. Moe was adorable...I haven't old photographs on this computer but I will try to get some on. She was a wee fat lump with no hair and the cutest dimples you ever saw in your life. Her mother wasn't a bad soul ....shed mental health problems ....caused by an abusive upbringing...but thats a whole story in itself.
In September of that year her mother was sent with Moe to the same residential place that Ellie attended with her parents. She tried hard but had a mental breakdown and had to receive hospital treatment. She rang me asking me if I would look after Moe for her...I really wanted to but social services wouldn't let me because I wasn't an approved foster carer. I visited her mum in the hospital a few times and found out that Moe was with other fostercarers. In December of that year I put myself forward as Moe's foster carer and she came to me every weekend from Friday to Monday. Anytime her mother was struggling or needed hospitalised then Moe came to me also ,,,sometimes for 6 weeks at a time until her mum was well enough to care for her.
This arrangement worked well and I loved having Moe with me but its was hard emotionally to let her go home. Her mother loved her and did her best for her but because of her own upbringing she struggled. When Moe wasn't with me I constantly worried about her. My mother died in June 2000 when Moe was just over a year old. The day my mother was buried I got a phone call asking me to care for Moe as her mum was back in hospital because she couldn't cope with my mothers death. Up to this stage in her mothers life ...she never had anyone who was good to her. My mum had clicked with her and took her under her wing. We used to joke that we fostered the both of them. Anyway I'm going off on a tangent now.....I said I would care for Moe and she was brought over. This is another example of God knowing we needed each other. I can honestly say I wouldn't have got over my mothers death if not for Moe. My world was upside down,,,because my mum was the centre of my world,,,but Moe needed me and I had to keep going.
Things trudged along for the next four years. Moe came and went. I enjoyed her when I had her and worried myself sick when I hadn't. Her mum and I built up a close relationship and I have to say she never once was jealous of her child loving me.
In August 2005 her mum took a stroke and died two weeks later. Moe was with me while her mum was in hospital. The family refused to let Moe go to see her mother but I got a phone call from social services on the Friday informing me that her mum wasn't going to make it ....so I took it on myself to bring Moe to visit. I felt she needed to see her mum plus her mum needed to see Moe. It was one of the worst experiences of my life and would have taken a tear out of a stone. Moe had a musical box that played beauty and the beast with her ,,,,I swear every time I hear that music I'm in floods of tears. Her mum was unconscious but we talked to her and I just know she heard us. We hadn't left the hospital 10minutes when she died. Bless her she was hanging on to see her baby one last time.
Her mums family came that night and removed Moe from my care. I was only her fostercarer and she was in voluntary fostercare so I had to let her go. Poor baby needed me and there wasn't a thing I could do about it. I went to the funeral and it was so sad. The next day I got a phone call from a solicitor. She asked me to go and see her so I went. Up to this Id never been in a solicitors office in my life. It turned out that Moe's mum had named me guardian in her will. She had said once that if anything ever happened her she wanted me to have Moe cos she didn't trust her family with her. This will caused the fireworks to fly. Was a six month court case but eventually Moe was placed with me. That was the worst six months of my life...the child was being torn apart and again nothing I could do. I only got contact with her one day a week but god is good and he led her back to me.
Will be five years in January from Moe was placed with me on a fulltime basis. She has grown into the most loving caring and considerate child possible. She still has her insecurities but she has an inner strength that many an adult doesn't. I see her mum in her lots and she has her quick wit. The future could be rocky for Moe as she gets older and wants to know her story. We take things day by day and I want to cram as much fun n laughter into her childhood as I can ,,,to make up for all the time she lost.
She loves Ellie so much and thou their blood is different they are so close. They will have each other in the future to talk to about their experiences. Moe is my inspiration...I admire her greatly not only for what shes come through but for how nice a child she is. She is such a giver and always puts others in front of herself. Shes a nutcase sometimes but so so lovable. Its the wee things she does ,,,We got a pup a few months back...she really treats him like her baby brother. If she goes to get a packet of crisps or a biscuit...she brings 3 one for Ellie one for Timmy and one for herself. Timmy thinks hes died and went to heaven of course.
I thank god everyday for you Moe. I thank him and your mother for choosing me to bring you up and bestowing on me the great privilege of being your mother. Your growing up so fast that it takes my breath away but you will always be my Moey Joey. I hope life is always good to you and I know you will change and make a difference to so many peoples lives here. Your mum is watching over you ,,,and me and Els and I know shes proud as heck of you. You are the best daughter and sister in the world and I love you to bits.
The Princess is six
Ellie turned six on Monday and I swear I know I am still in denial. Feels like I just blinked and she grew up on me. I find watching them grow and develop into little people with their own personalities just amazing.
Ellie entered my life on 15th December 2003. She was 8days old and the tiniest wee mite. At this period of my life I was at a crossroads. Id tried fostering but it was so hard and so much was expected of you that I thought it wasn't for me so had applied to be assessed as an adoptive mother. That road was laden with obstacles but eventually I was approved ,,,,you think this stuff is going to be engraved in your memory but its not. Think that process took about 4 years and was still ongoing when I got a call asking me to foster Ellie. It was early December and although I had made the decision I wasn't going to foster again I couldn't see a child without a home at Christmas so decided to give it a go.
I remember going to the hospital to get her. I was a nervous wreck...had so many mixed emotions ,,,excitement, fear, happy, sadness for the birth parents...but as we all do I just did what was expected of me. I remember talking to the social worker on the way over and expressing some of these emotions ,,,the main one being ,,,concern for the birth family. Here we are on the lead up to Christmas and some stranger is walking into the hospital ,,Christmas trees all over the place ,,,carols playing,,,and taking away your newborn. The social worker told me when I met the parents I would understand better.
We went up to the ward and spoke with the parents,,,bless them it was like talking to Moe and Ellie now ,,,they both had learning disabilities and in effect were children in adults bodies. I was taken to meet Ellie ,,,and thats when I really realised how tiny she was. I had been told she was 5lbs 4oz but to be honest that meant nothing to me. She was teeny tiny and my heart just about stopped. She had been born 5 weeks early but was healthy. I spent some time with her birth family and tried to make things as easy as possible for them. As a foster carer when you get involved with an abusive family its hard to even pass the time of day with them ,,,but these poor souls had done nothing wrong...they just didn't have the ability to care for themselves never mind a newborn.
The mother and I dressed Ellie ,,,,she wore a winnie the pooh baby grow,,,that Id actually bought for Moe's doll for Christmas....a tiny bonnet and a white snowsuit. I made a promise to the birth family that I would treasure Ellie and look after her for them....little did I know then...this wasn't a short term promise. Eventually the birth family left and I sat with the social workers to give them time to get away before they would see us leave with the baby. I remember looking at Ellie sitting in the car seat ....she was like a melted snowman in the wee suit ,,,cos it was too big ,,,but god was she beautiful. Was during this time that I realised the huge responsibility that I had taken on and prayed like mad that i would be able to cope with it.
Six months went by and Ellie's care plan at that time was to be reunited with her parents. It was felt that maybe if enough supports were put in they could parent her. They had to be given a chance and their parenting skills assessed which was understandable. She went for contact three mornings a wee and this was supervised ..the parents tried but sometimes it was just a shambles. When Ellie was four months old it was decided she would join her parents in a residential so their parenting skills could really be tested and they could be taught to care for her. The plan was that they would move in first and Ellie would visit Mon to Fri for 2 weeks then she would move in. This in effect ran for 10 weeks of daily visits. It was hard emotionally ...during that time Ellie began to forget the skills she had mastered ,,,like holding a rattle etc. She came home and slept most of the time ,,,many a night I fed her still asleep. The doctor felt that this was her way of shutting down cos she wasn't coping.
A meeting was held in June and it was decided that Ellie's care plan would change to adoption. I put my hand up straight away and said I wanted to adopt her. I had the birth family's support and this made it easier. The next process ran for two and a half years while all the paperwork and legal stuff was sorted. This nearly did my head in to be honest ,,,I loved this child with all my being but till she was 3 years old there was no guarantee that I could keep her. This in effect was were the real stresses were ,,,I felt you couldn't be seen as being too attached but in reality the little bugger had stole my heart in a way I never felt possible.
When Ellie was eight months old she had a pre adoption medical done. I took her to this medical. The dr said he doubted she would ever walk or talk. Said she looked strange ,,,that her eyes were too far apart ..her ears too low. He asked me if I saw this and i said no ,,,,to me shes just beautiful and that was the gods honest truth. I remember bringing her home that day and just crying for hours....I thought I was so blinded by love that i couldn't see what he saw. Again I gathered myself up. I honestly didn't care that he had given her such a bleak future...I loved her and always from an early age just knew that Ellie would get there. We worked hard teaching her all we could. Things come naturally to most children but with Ellie she had to be taught everything.
Ellie didn't walk till she was 22 months. She walked on halloween night. That image is engraved in my memory. She was wearing a tigger suit and we had been to see the fireworks. She just toddled across the floor....big grin on her face and again I was a sobbing mess. I knew our Els was a fighter and she was proving it to me.
I adopted Ellie on 15th December 2006.....3 years to the day from she was placed. I will always celebrate Ellie's birthday but in my heart her birthday is 15th Decemeber ,,,the day she entered my life and the day I knew for sure she was mine.
Ellie has global developmental delay ,,,which in layman terms means every aspect of her development is delayed. She attends mainstream school and has some one to one support. She is like a wee bud to me and its so so rewarding to watch her blossoming. Ellie has many fears,,,the world is a big scary place to her and at times she breaks my heart. She struggles with everyday stuff...for example halloween used to be just awful. She couldn't cope with the noise and the whole hustle of it. Think it was two years ago she just cried the whole night long ,,,got so upset and anxious about it she had diarrhoea .......but this year she was out in the thick of it. You should seen the smile on her face when she said mum I'm not scared of the bangs,,,she was over the moon. Another big obstacle for her but she got there.
Ellie is so blessed to have Moe as her sister. Moe supports her in so many ways and she has learned so much from Moe. She loves Moe with all her heart but like any siblings they can fight like mad. I honestly think God bunched us all together. He knew we needed each other.
I'm so proud of both my girls. I guess I sometimes get scared ...and its hard making all the decisions for them but God and my angels guide me. I'm so glad the girls were sent to me as Ive no idea what else I could have done with my life that would have fulfilled me and made me this happy.
I guess I end this post by saying Happy Birthday Ellie....I love you babes.
Ellie entered my life on 15th December 2003. She was 8days old and the tiniest wee mite. At this period of my life I was at a crossroads. Id tried fostering but it was so hard and so much was expected of you that I thought it wasn't for me so had applied to be assessed as an adoptive mother. That road was laden with obstacles but eventually I was approved ,,,,you think this stuff is going to be engraved in your memory but its not. Think that process took about 4 years and was still ongoing when I got a call asking me to foster Ellie. It was early December and although I had made the decision I wasn't going to foster again I couldn't see a child without a home at Christmas so decided to give it a go.
I remember going to the hospital to get her. I was a nervous wreck...had so many mixed emotions ,,,excitement, fear, happy, sadness for the birth parents...but as we all do I just did what was expected of me. I remember talking to the social worker on the way over and expressing some of these emotions ,,,the main one being ,,,concern for the birth family. Here we are on the lead up to Christmas and some stranger is walking into the hospital ,,Christmas trees all over the place ,,,carols playing,,,and taking away your newborn. The social worker told me when I met the parents I would understand better.
We went up to the ward and spoke with the parents,,,bless them it was like talking to Moe and Ellie now ,,,they both had learning disabilities and in effect were children in adults bodies. I was taken to meet Ellie ,,,and thats when I really realised how tiny she was. I had been told she was 5lbs 4oz but to be honest that meant nothing to me. She was teeny tiny and my heart just about stopped. She had been born 5 weeks early but was healthy. I spent some time with her birth family and tried to make things as easy as possible for them. As a foster carer when you get involved with an abusive family its hard to even pass the time of day with them ,,,but these poor souls had done nothing wrong...they just didn't have the ability to care for themselves never mind a newborn.
The mother and I dressed Ellie ,,,,she wore a winnie the pooh baby grow,,,that Id actually bought for Moe's doll for Christmas....a tiny bonnet and a white snowsuit. I made a promise to the birth family that I would treasure Ellie and look after her for them....little did I know then...this wasn't a short term promise. Eventually the birth family left and I sat with the social workers to give them time to get away before they would see us leave with the baby. I remember looking at Ellie sitting in the car seat ....she was like a melted snowman in the wee suit ,,,cos it was too big ,,,but god was she beautiful. Was during this time that I realised the huge responsibility that I had taken on and prayed like mad that i would be able to cope with it.
Six months went by and Ellie's care plan at that time was to be reunited with her parents. It was felt that maybe if enough supports were put in they could parent her. They had to be given a chance and their parenting skills assessed which was understandable. She went for contact three mornings a wee and this was supervised ..the parents tried but sometimes it was just a shambles. When Ellie was four months old it was decided she would join her parents in a residential so their parenting skills could really be tested and they could be taught to care for her. The plan was that they would move in first and Ellie would visit Mon to Fri for 2 weeks then she would move in. This in effect ran for 10 weeks of daily visits. It was hard emotionally ...during that time Ellie began to forget the skills she had mastered ,,,like holding a rattle etc. She came home and slept most of the time ,,,many a night I fed her still asleep. The doctor felt that this was her way of shutting down cos she wasn't coping.
A meeting was held in June and it was decided that Ellie's care plan would change to adoption. I put my hand up straight away and said I wanted to adopt her. I had the birth family's support and this made it easier. The next process ran for two and a half years while all the paperwork and legal stuff was sorted. This nearly did my head in to be honest ,,,I loved this child with all my being but till she was 3 years old there was no guarantee that I could keep her. This in effect was were the real stresses were ,,,I felt you couldn't be seen as being too attached but in reality the little bugger had stole my heart in a way I never felt possible.
When Ellie was eight months old she had a pre adoption medical done. I took her to this medical. The dr said he doubted she would ever walk or talk. Said she looked strange ,,,that her eyes were too far apart ..her ears too low. He asked me if I saw this and i said no ,,,,to me shes just beautiful and that was the gods honest truth. I remember bringing her home that day and just crying for hours....I thought I was so blinded by love that i couldn't see what he saw. Again I gathered myself up. I honestly didn't care that he had given her such a bleak future...I loved her and always from an early age just knew that Ellie would get there. We worked hard teaching her all we could. Things come naturally to most children but with Ellie she had to be taught everything.
Ellie didn't walk till she was 22 months. She walked on halloween night. That image is engraved in my memory. She was wearing a tigger suit and we had been to see the fireworks. She just toddled across the floor....big grin on her face and again I was a sobbing mess. I knew our Els was a fighter and she was proving it to me.
I adopted Ellie on 15th December 2006.....3 years to the day from she was placed. I will always celebrate Ellie's birthday but in my heart her birthday is 15th Decemeber ,,,the day she entered my life and the day I knew for sure she was mine.
Ellie has global developmental delay ,,,which in layman terms means every aspect of her development is delayed. She attends mainstream school and has some one to one support. She is like a wee bud to me and its so so rewarding to watch her blossoming. Ellie has many fears,,,the world is a big scary place to her and at times she breaks my heart. She struggles with everyday stuff...for example halloween used to be just awful. She couldn't cope with the noise and the whole hustle of it. Think it was two years ago she just cried the whole night long ,,,got so upset and anxious about it she had diarrhoea .......but this year she was out in the thick of it. You should seen the smile on her face when she said mum I'm not scared of the bangs,,,she was over the moon. Another big obstacle for her but she got there.
Ellie is so blessed to have Moe as her sister. Moe supports her in so many ways and she has learned so much from Moe. She loves Moe with all her heart but like any siblings they can fight like mad. I honestly think God bunched us all together. He knew we needed each other.
I'm so proud of both my girls. I guess I sometimes get scared ...and its hard making all the decisions for them but God and my angels guide me. I'm so glad the girls were sent to me as Ive no idea what else I could have done with my life that would have fulfilled me and made me this happy.
I guess I end this post by saying Happy Birthday Ellie....I love you babes.
Wednesday, 9 December 2009
Back again
I haven't blogged in years. I had a half hearted attempt at it a few years ago but I didn't stick at it and to be honest regret that. So many things have happened that I haven't a record of ,,,yeah the memories will be ingrained forever but its nice to look back on a record of those memories.
This blog is for me. My head gets so jumbled up sometimes and I always have got a sorta therapy from writing things down ,,,even if they make no sense at the time ,,,they will later on.
I'm making no promises with this blog ,,,it is here if I feel I need it....Ive no idea really what its going to contain but guess time will tell.
I think its a good way to connect with others but to also connect with ourselves and I think that's what I need at this stage in my life. I turned 40 last year and I guess for the first time in a long time I'm taking time out to re valuate my life and see where its going. Ive drifted for a long time ,,,,it suited me to drift but lately Ive realised how hard emotionally drifting can be.
You all know about my sweet little daughters and how much they mean to me. They are the cutest funniest kids and I so want to give them a happy childhood. Any mothers here will know that parenthood doesn't come with a manual ,,, and its a learning curve and just when you've mastered one stage of it ,,,bang your on to the next stage n praying like heck your not going to mess it up. So far we have done good and thankfully the girls are mostly easy and help me along.
If anyone had told me when I tured 30 that at 40 Id be the mother to a ten year old and a six year old ,,,I think I would have laughed out loud. Ive always wanted kids from I was a kid myself and had a long journey towards motherhood. I love being a mother and feel its my purpose in life ,,,but its scary as heck sometimes to have two little ones depending on you.
Its coming up on three years from I got the courts and social services out of my life. If I'm honest I think its taken this long to heal the emotional damage that period of my life caused. I never once have regretted the fight I had for the girls and would do it over again in the morning if I had to. Leading two little ones through that system was damned hard thou ,,,trying to give them security when all our lives were being governed by ifs and buts. Trying to show you weren't emotionally involved -for fear social services would judge you badly-when the wee buggers had stolen your heart and you knew deep down you'd never let them go.
Both my girls are examples that love conkers everything. Ellie was expected to never talk or walk independently ,,,now i cant get her to shut up n sit down!! Moe went through so much pain and heartache but has a lovely heart and isn't afraid to love and trust again.....think they could teach their old mum a few tricks.
I was reading a friends blog this morning and I guess it just brought to the surface a lot of things Id been thinking about over the past months. It gave me the courage and the confidence to blog again and hopefully this helps us all. Its all your fault Danielle ,,,I will think of you every time I poach eggs ,,,which btw i don't cook well either.
I better go for now and get ready for the peace being shattered when the girls get home.
This blog is for me. My head gets so jumbled up sometimes and I always have got a sorta therapy from writing things down ,,,even if they make no sense at the time ,,,they will later on.
I'm making no promises with this blog ,,,it is here if I feel I need it....Ive no idea really what its going to contain but guess time will tell.
I think its a good way to connect with others but to also connect with ourselves and I think that's what I need at this stage in my life. I turned 40 last year and I guess for the first time in a long time I'm taking time out to re valuate my life and see where its going. Ive drifted for a long time ,,,,it suited me to drift but lately Ive realised how hard emotionally drifting can be.
You all know about my sweet little daughters and how much they mean to me. They are the cutest funniest kids and I so want to give them a happy childhood. Any mothers here will know that parenthood doesn't come with a manual ,,, and its a learning curve and just when you've mastered one stage of it ,,,bang your on to the next stage n praying like heck your not going to mess it up. So far we have done good and thankfully the girls are mostly easy and help me along.
If anyone had told me when I tured 30 that at 40 Id be the mother to a ten year old and a six year old ,,,I think I would have laughed out loud. Ive always wanted kids from I was a kid myself and had a long journey towards motherhood. I love being a mother and feel its my purpose in life ,,,but its scary as heck sometimes to have two little ones depending on you.
Its coming up on three years from I got the courts and social services out of my life. If I'm honest I think its taken this long to heal the emotional damage that period of my life caused. I never once have regretted the fight I had for the girls and would do it over again in the morning if I had to. Leading two little ones through that system was damned hard thou ,,,trying to give them security when all our lives were being governed by ifs and buts. Trying to show you weren't emotionally involved -for fear social services would judge you badly-when the wee buggers had stolen your heart and you knew deep down you'd never let them go.
Both my girls are examples that love conkers everything. Ellie was expected to never talk or walk independently ,,,now i cant get her to shut up n sit down!! Moe went through so much pain and heartache but has a lovely heart and isn't afraid to love and trust again.....think they could teach their old mum a few tricks.
I was reading a friends blog this morning and I guess it just brought to the surface a lot of things Id been thinking about over the past months. It gave me the courage and the confidence to blog again and hopefully this helps us all. Its all your fault Danielle ,,,I will think of you every time I poach eggs ,,,which btw i don't cook well either.
I better go for now and get ready for the peace being shattered when the girls get home.
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