Spring has Sprung

Looks like spring has finally come and its such a good feeling. Makes you become more alive inside. I honestly think that I suffer from SAD because life always seems so much more peaceful and exciting in summer and I get that get up and go about me.

Im still sitting on my mountain waiting to see what to do next. Im trying to be patient but if Im honest Im getting frustrated as heck. Theres a few roads in front of me and I dont know which one to take. Ive been giving a lot of thought to trying out some work outside of the home. Childminding has been great and has enabled me to be with Moe and Ellie when they were younger but they are both at school now and to be honest Im getting a bit tired of my own company. The flip side of that is there is so little employment about ,,,,so I will just have to keep looking and praying on this one.

Moe and Ellie are doing great. There was a school trip last week that Moe could have went on but didnt want to go. It was a residental which stayed away for two nights and she felt she didnt want to be away from home. This sadned me but I understand where she was coming from and best not to push a situation like that. I enjoyed having her home and was nice to spend one to one time with her....something we have not done in a long time. Ellie is sprouting and I am starting to have to admit my baby is growing up! Shes enjoying school and reading and writing,,,all very exciting but pulls on the old heart strings too. She is so funny and still makes me laugh when noone else can. I thank god for the both everyday and dont know what I would be doing if I didnt have them.

I havent seen Sammy in over 4 months and I still have mixed feelings about him. We have talked online and have thought about trying again ,,,,but Im thinking its best to leave well alone. Id need to be sure he could commit to us before I would get the kids attached to him again....he says he can commit ...but I havent seen any evidence of this. Id like to keep in touch and see where his life goes ,,,,but I really dont think its going be worth the risk us trying again. This sadness me because we did have some really good times and if Im honest I still do love him. The girls miss him especially Ellie but it would be madness for him to come in and out of our lives and the girls would be the ones hurt so unless a miracle happens I think I need to close the door on this chapter of our lives.

I cant see me getting involved with a man again. Its too damned hard emotionally and too risky when you are dragging two kids along for the ride. We are happy on our own and I think I might just settle for that. Probably a cop out but the old saying once bitten twice shy jumps to mind.

My uncle is 50 years ordained in June and we are heading over to London to celebrate that. The girls are really excited as they both love him to bits. He is a wonderful man and always has been good to me. 50 years is such a long time and I am very proud of him. He had prostrate cancer last year and was very ill with it and uncomfortable but he was cheerful all the way through it and just accepted it ,,,which not many of us can do. He is clear of the cancer now but had a little set back a few weeks ago and needed surgery but thankfully he is doing ok again and the operation was a success.

We are in the process of selling my mothers house at the minute. It needs a lot of work done to it and we dont have the money at the minute to do it. Its sad to see it go but is the sensible thing to do....but it makes things very final. That was our only childhoond home and is full of memories. My mum moved there when she married and lived in that house for well over 40 years. I keep telling myself that its only four walls but its still hard.

Guess Ive been doing a fair bit of thinking over the past few months. I know there is a greater plan for me Im just not clear what it is. I guess for now I will just need to live life day by day and relax and enjoy the kids. I honestly get frustrated when I dont know where my life is going and I guess scared to. Its nice to have the security of knowing what to do when but at the minute I come back to read it sometime.