Its been a mad couple of weeks here and my emotions are all over the show. First Sammy and I are trying to get things sorted out and to be honest on its own thats emotional enough!! Then I go and read this book on reincarnation and it spooked the life out of me but really interested me at the same time. Now part of me wants to go to past life regression and the other part is saying catch a grip. Will have to fight it over and see which side wins.
Last week I got a call from the head teacher in the school wanting to meet with me to discuss Ellies classroom assistant for next year. Of course I couldnt wait and got the info out of him over the phone. Basically they want to take away some of her help and make her attend the special needs unit which is attached to the school. I sent Ellie to this school so the special needs unit would be there as a back up and a safety net but to be used as a last option. I went to see her teacher yesterday and she went nuts too saying that there was no need for her to be put in the unit. Ive made all the calls n got a few backs up and hopefully I can get the decision overturned. The school are supportive so thats a help. They going to mess my daughter up for the sake of saving about 30quid a week and its doing my head in.
Will write more as things develop ,,,oh on a lighter note ...Moe came in yesterday asking me if i would do a reading with her at her service of light on sunday. Ive never read in public in all my life but beside Ellies problems it looked tiny so i said yes......and now im crapping myself!! Cant pull out of it cos shes so excited n happy. The things we do for our kids!
Tuesday, 11 May 2010
Monday, 8 March 2010
Spring has Sprung
Looks like spring has finally come and its such a good feeling. Makes you become more alive inside. I honestly think that I suffer from SAD because life always seems so much more peaceful and exciting in summer and I get that get up and go about me.
Im still sitting on my mountain waiting to see what to do next. Im trying to be patient but if Im honest Im getting frustrated as heck. Theres a few roads in front of me and I dont know which one to take. Ive been giving a lot of thought to trying out some work outside of the home. Childminding has been great and has enabled me to be with Moe and Ellie when they were younger but they are both at school now and to be honest Im getting a bit tired of my own company. The flip side of that is there is so little employment about ,,,,so I will just have to keep looking and praying on this one.
Moe and Ellie are doing great. There was a school trip last week that Moe could have went on but didnt want to go. It was a residental which stayed away for two nights and she felt she didnt want to be away from home. This sadned me but I understand where she was coming from and best not to push a situation like that. I enjoyed having her home and was nice to spend one to one time with her....something we have not done in a long time. Ellie is sprouting and I am starting to have to admit my baby is growing up! Shes enjoying school and reading and writing,,,all very exciting but pulls on the old heart strings too. She is so funny and still makes me laugh when noone else can. I thank god for the both everyday and dont know what I would be doing if I didnt have them.
I havent seen Sammy in over 4 months and I still have mixed feelings about him. We have talked online and have thought about trying again ,,,,but Im thinking its best to leave well alone. Id need to be sure he could commit to us before I would get the kids attached to him again....he says he can commit ...but I havent seen any evidence of this. Id like to keep in touch and see where his life goes ,,,,but I really dont think its going be worth the risk us trying again. This sadness me because we did have some really good times and if Im honest I still do love him. The girls miss him especially Ellie but it would be madness for him to come in and out of our lives and the girls would be the ones hurt so unless a miracle happens I think I need to close the door on this chapter of our lives.
I cant see me getting involved with a man again. Its too damned hard emotionally and too risky when you are dragging two kids along for the ride. We are happy on our own and I think I might just settle for that. Probably a cop out but the old saying once bitten twice shy jumps to mind.
My uncle is 50 years ordained in June and we are heading over to London to celebrate that. The girls are really excited as they both love him to bits. He is a wonderful man and always has been good to me. 50 years is such a long time and I am very proud of him. He had prostrate cancer last year and was very ill with it and uncomfortable but he was cheerful all the way through it and just accepted it ,,,which not many of us can do. He is clear of the cancer now but had a little set back a few weeks ago and needed surgery but thankfully he is doing ok again and the operation was a success.
We are in the process of selling my mothers house at the minute. It needs a lot of work done to it and we dont have the money at the minute to do it. Its sad to see it go but is the sensible thing to do....but it makes things very final. That was our only childhoond home and is full of memories. My mum moved there when she married and lived in that house for well over 40 years. I keep telling myself that its only four walls but its still hard.
Guess Ive been doing a fair bit of thinking over the past few months. I know there is a greater plan for me Im just not clear what it is. I guess for now I will just need to live life day by day and relax and enjoy the kids. I honestly get frustrated when I dont know where my life is going and I guess scared to. Its nice to have the security of knowing what to do when but at the minute I come back to read it sometime.
Im still sitting on my mountain waiting to see what to do next. Im trying to be patient but if Im honest Im getting frustrated as heck. Theres a few roads in front of me and I dont know which one to take. Ive been giving a lot of thought to trying out some work outside of the home. Childminding has been great and has enabled me to be with Moe and Ellie when they were younger but they are both at school now and to be honest Im getting a bit tired of my own company. The flip side of that is there is so little employment about ,,,,so I will just have to keep looking and praying on this one.
Moe and Ellie are doing great. There was a school trip last week that Moe could have went on but didnt want to go. It was a residental which stayed away for two nights and she felt she didnt want to be away from home. This sadned me but I understand where she was coming from and best not to push a situation like that. I enjoyed having her home and was nice to spend one to one time with her....something we have not done in a long time. Ellie is sprouting and I am starting to have to admit my baby is growing up! Shes enjoying school and reading and writing,,,all very exciting but pulls on the old heart strings too. She is so funny and still makes me laugh when noone else can. I thank god for the both everyday and dont know what I would be doing if I didnt have them.
I havent seen Sammy in over 4 months and I still have mixed feelings about him. We have talked online and have thought about trying again ,,,,but Im thinking its best to leave well alone. Id need to be sure he could commit to us before I would get the kids attached to him again....he says he can commit ...but I havent seen any evidence of this. Id like to keep in touch and see where his life goes ,,,,but I really dont think its going be worth the risk us trying again. This sadness me because we did have some really good times and if Im honest I still do love him. The girls miss him especially Ellie but it would be madness for him to come in and out of our lives and the girls would be the ones hurt so unless a miracle happens I think I need to close the door on this chapter of our lives.
I cant see me getting involved with a man again. Its too damned hard emotionally and too risky when you are dragging two kids along for the ride. We are happy on our own and I think I might just settle for that. Probably a cop out but the old saying once bitten twice shy jumps to mind.
My uncle is 50 years ordained in June and we are heading over to London to celebrate that. The girls are really excited as they both love him to bits. He is a wonderful man and always has been good to me. 50 years is such a long time and I am very proud of him. He had prostrate cancer last year and was very ill with it and uncomfortable but he was cheerful all the way through it and just accepted it ,,,which not many of us can do. He is clear of the cancer now but had a little set back a few weeks ago and needed surgery but thankfully he is doing ok again and the operation was a success.
We are in the process of selling my mothers house at the minute. It needs a lot of work done to it and we dont have the money at the minute to do it. Its sad to see it go but is the sensible thing to do....but it makes things very final. That was our only childhoond home and is full of memories. My mum moved there when she married and lived in that house for well over 40 years. I keep telling myself that its only four walls but its still hard.
Guess Ive been doing a fair bit of thinking over the past few months. I know there is a greater plan for me Im just not clear what it is. I guess for now I will just need to live life day by day and relax and enjoy the kids. I honestly get frustrated when I dont know where my life is going and I guess scared to. Its nice to have the security of knowing what to do when but at the minute I come back to read it sometime.
Saturday, 26 December 2009
Tuesday, 22 December 2009
They never leave us
Ive got quite a skeptical mind. I question things a lot. I believe in God and all that stuff but I guess Ive always had conflicting believes about what happens people when they die. I am not able to believe in something just because I'm meant to or because its part of my religion. I always look deeper...I'm not sure I enjoy this part of me - but I'm learning slowly to accept it.
There has to be more purpose then just living here on earth for x years then that's it. I believe our lives on earth is a journey to help us grow spiritually....so we go back to God stronger. My faith has deepened with age but I think I struggled with dying from a young age.
My dad died when I was 8. I remember listening to adults talking and saying he was happy now. I was quite mad at this statement because how could he be happy without my mum n us? I used to ask my mum what if someone you love goes to hell....how can you be happy in heaven without them. She tried to give me answers but I guess to this day I still don't really know the answer to that.
When my mum died I really hit an emotional low. She was the centre of my world and I really didn't know how Id cope without her. We had always had a very close relationship and I loved her with all my heart. When I used to question what happened after you died ....she used to joke that she would come back if she could n tell me.
It took a few years to be honest but suddenly orbs began appearing in photographs. They look like hosts. The first time this happened I was in Lourdes with my uncle and sister. He was saying mass at the grotto n I became very emotional...think mum was dead about 2 years at the time. I cant remember exactly what the homely was about but had something to do with death n going to heaven. I remember saying to my mum in my head....I'm waiting for your sign. I cried during that mass...n I didn't even know why. After it thou I felt peaceful.
We came home and life went back to normal. When we got the photographs developed there was one of my uncle that day saying the mass...and this beautiful orb beside him. Id never really heard of orbs up to that but did a little research on them. They are a sign of a dead loved one being near. Again I wasn't totally convinced...it felt like it could be my mum because of me talking to her that day and being so emotional ,,,,but it could been a trick of the camera. I mostly believed thou it was my mum sending me my long awaited sign she was happy.
Loads of times from that orbs have appeared in family photographs. About 5 years ago my brother was showing me photos of him n his wife on their anniversary and there was the orb right between their heads. This was on a different camera and he was showing me them on his pc. Ive had numerous cameras ,,,cos I'm a scatter brain n keep losing things. Ive lost count of the number of times that orbs have appeared ...and always during family celebrations or when I was thinking about and missing my mum. On El lies adoption day she must have taken all the relatives with her because there was a family photo taken with the social worker and guardian and was bout 5 or 6 orbs in it.
Anyway to cut a long story short. We had snow on Sunday and I was taking pictures of the girls. We met Cathy and decided we would take a walk up to where my mum is buried. There would be tons of fresh snow up there for the girls and we could say hello to Rose at the same time. Standing at her grave I said to Cathy you know I really miss her so much. She would have really loved the girls. Moe was a year when my mum died but she never got to meet Els.
When we came home I was transferring the photos onto the pc to send to my uncle in London. The first photo I took had an huge orb....bigger then I ever had seen before covering part of Ellie ,,,and another smaller one over by the swings. I believe that my mum felt me missing her on Sunday and came to let me know she was still around and was enjoying the girls.
At one time in my life I would have been freaked out by this but I get a great amount of comfort from it. Ive still got my skeptical mind but I just cant explain this away.
I do believe that our loved ones don't leave us....We may not see them anymore or be able to touch them or talk to them but they are here.
Mum I love you so much. Ive always known you were a great mother and friend but really from I started my journey as a mother I truly have learned to appreciate all you did and the scarifces you made. You job was hard but you gave to us willing all that you had ,,,but most of all your time and love. You will always live on in my heart and I know we will meet again some day....and what a happy day that will be.
Love ya ma xx
There has to be more purpose then just living here on earth for x years then that's it. I believe our lives on earth is a journey to help us grow spiritually....so we go back to God stronger. My faith has deepened with age but I think I struggled with dying from a young age.
My dad died when I was 8. I remember listening to adults talking and saying he was happy now. I was quite mad at this statement because how could he be happy without my mum n us? I used to ask my mum what if someone you love goes to hell....how can you be happy in heaven without them. She tried to give me answers but I guess to this day I still don't really know the answer to that.
When my mum died I really hit an emotional low. She was the centre of my world and I really didn't know how Id cope without her. We had always had a very close relationship and I loved her with all my heart. When I used to question what happened after you died ....she used to joke that she would come back if she could n tell me.
It took a few years to be honest but suddenly orbs began appearing in photographs. They look like hosts. The first time this happened I was in Lourdes with my uncle and sister. He was saying mass at the grotto n I became very emotional...think mum was dead about 2 years at the time. I cant remember exactly what the homely was about but had something to do with death n going to heaven. I remember saying to my mum in my head....I'm waiting for your sign. I cried during that mass...n I didn't even know why. After it thou I felt peaceful.
We came home and life went back to normal. When we got the photographs developed there was one of my uncle that day saying the mass...and this beautiful orb beside him. Id never really heard of orbs up to that but did a little research on them. They are a sign of a dead loved one being near. Again I wasn't totally convinced...it felt like it could be my mum because of me talking to her that day and being so emotional ,,,,but it could been a trick of the camera. I mostly believed thou it was my mum sending me my long awaited sign she was happy.
Loads of times from that orbs have appeared in family photographs. About 5 years ago my brother was showing me photos of him n his wife on their anniversary and there was the orb right between their heads. This was on a different camera and he was showing me them on his pc. Ive had numerous cameras ,,,cos I'm a scatter brain n keep losing things. Ive lost count of the number of times that orbs have appeared ...and always during family celebrations or when I was thinking about and missing my mum. On El lies adoption day she must have taken all the relatives with her because there was a family photo taken with the social worker and guardian and was bout 5 or 6 orbs in it.
Anyway to cut a long story short. We had snow on Sunday and I was taking pictures of the girls. We met Cathy and decided we would take a walk up to where my mum is buried. There would be tons of fresh snow up there for the girls and we could say hello to Rose at the same time. Standing at her grave I said to Cathy you know I really miss her so much. She would have really loved the girls. Moe was a year when my mum died but she never got to meet Els.
When we came home I was transferring the photos onto the pc to send to my uncle in London. The first photo I took had an huge orb....bigger then I ever had seen before covering part of Ellie ,,,and another smaller one over by the swings. I believe that my mum felt me missing her on Sunday and came to let me know she was still around and was enjoying the girls.
At one time in my life I would have been freaked out by this but I get a great amount of comfort from it. Ive still got my skeptical mind but I just cant explain this away.
I do believe that our loved ones don't leave us....We may not see them anymore or be able to touch them or talk to them but they are here.
Mum I love you so much. Ive always known you were a great mother and friend but really from I started my journey as a mother I truly have learned to appreciate all you did and the scarifces you made. You job was hard but you gave to us willing all that you had ,,,but most of all your time and love. You will always live on in my heart and I know we will meet again some day....and what a happy day that will be.
Love ya ma xx
Sunday, 13 December 2009
The Climb
There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s The Climb
This is the chorus of a Hannah Montanna song ,,,which I love btw. To me it reminds me of life. I feel we are all climbing our own mountain. Our time on earth is a time for us to grow.
Looking back on my life so far Im not sure how far up my mountain I am. I think Ive come to a flat part of it and need to sit there and rest and see what God has instore for me next. Im guilty of always wanting to climb but Im beginning to learn that its ok to sit down n take a rest. Not only is it ok but its important too because when you keep climbing you get tired n start stumbling.
I equate reaching the top with our journey being done n we hopefully return to God much wiser and stronger then when we left. We have completed our lives purpose. We get knocks along the way but we also get helped along the mountain when needed.
With age I guess Im beginnig to realise that God plays a bigger part in our lives then we know. He has a plan for each n everyone one of us which sometimes is a bit like moris code to work out.
Looking back over my life things have happened that I just cant put down to coinendance. I talked about the girls last week and I have no doubt in my mind that God sent them to me. What if Id went on my day to Portrush n hadnt rethought saying no to that social worker the morning she rang bout Moe??? I believe the angels where the ones whispering in my ear the whole way down there on the train. What if Id stuck to my decision that I wasnt foatering again?? Els would been fostered by someone else. God and the angels knew better then me and helped me overcome my human fears and go ahead with their plan.
Theres been times in my life that I wanted to fight with God that I couldnt understand why life was so hard when I was trying my best. My dad died when I was 8 years old. I remember the fear most of all. Its scary to have your perfect world knocked at such an early age. I think now it was my preparation to parent Moe. I know how she felt after her parents death...I knew how to comfort her n lead her along my mountain with me. My mum was such a rock to us all. She reared us four kids on her own with very little money or support i guess but she did such a good job. I respect her with all my being and she has been my role model. So yes God had an important job for me to do...but he didnt set me to it with no training.
I believe very much in angels. I think they are Gods messengers and are just waiting for us to ask for their help. We have been given free will and the angels wont interfere but if we need help we just got to ask. The last year or so Ive been reading about them n its very interesting. I guess im learning everyday n theres times i cant hear them. Its why Im sitting calmly on my mountain n trying to listen.
Im at a crossroads. I dont know what to do next so Im doing nothing. Im keeping all channels open n just resting and enjoying the girls. Ive a feeling Im going to be starting to climb again soon but Im not in a rush.
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s The Climb
This is the chorus of a Hannah Montanna song ,,,which I love btw. To me it reminds me of life. I feel we are all climbing our own mountain. Our time on earth is a time for us to grow.
Looking back on my life so far Im not sure how far up my mountain I am. I think Ive come to a flat part of it and need to sit there and rest and see what God has instore for me next. Im guilty of always wanting to climb but Im beginning to learn that its ok to sit down n take a rest. Not only is it ok but its important too because when you keep climbing you get tired n start stumbling.
I equate reaching the top with our journey being done n we hopefully return to God much wiser and stronger then when we left. We have completed our lives purpose. We get knocks along the way but we also get helped along the mountain when needed.
With age I guess Im beginnig to realise that God plays a bigger part in our lives then we know. He has a plan for each n everyone one of us which sometimes is a bit like moris code to work out.
Looking back over my life things have happened that I just cant put down to coinendance. I talked about the girls last week and I have no doubt in my mind that God sent them to me. What if Id went on my day to Portrush n hadnt rethought saying no to that social worker the morning she rang bout Moe??? I believe the angels where the ones whispering in my ear the whole way down there on the train. What if Id stuck to my decision that I wasnt foatering again?? Els would been fostered by someone else. God and the angels knew better then me and helped me overcome my human fears and go ahead with their plan.
Theres been times in my life that I wanted to fight with God that I couldnt understand why life was so hard when I was trying my best. My dad died when I was 8 years old. I remember the fear most of all. Its scary to have your perfect world knocked at such an early age. I think now it was my preparation to parent Moe. I know how she felt after her parents death...I knew how to comfort her n lead her along my mountain with me. My mum was such a rock to us all. She reared us four kids on her own with very little money or support i guess but she did such a good job. I respect her with all my being and she has been my role model. So yes God had an important job for me to do...but he didnt set me to it with no training.
I believe very much in angels. I think they are Gods messengers and are just waiting for us to ask for their help. We have been given free will and the angels wont interfere but if we need help we just got to ask. The last year or so Ive been reading about them n its very interesting. I guess im learning everyday n theres times i cant hear them. Its why Im sitting calmly on my mountain n trying to listen.
Im at a crossroads. I dont know what to do next so Im doing nothing. Im keeping all channels open n just resting and enjoying the girls. Ive a feeling Im going to be starting to climb again soon but Im not in a rush.
Thursday, 10 December 2009
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